For most of us, spam has become a “necessary evil” of our internet experience – a small price to pay for almost instant connectivity with family, friends, news, commentary, like-minded individuals, and most importantly for some, retailers. Really savvy internet veterans only view email that has survived a gauntlet of carefully thought-out and complex filters, both at the mail server and personal computer level.

Most email services offer you the ability to lock out all email from addresses other than those on your “trusted” list, or only those in your Address Book. Ironically, these trusted “FROM” addresses can provide more spam than all the children of deposed African leaders looking for a place to hide their ill-begotten wealth combined.

That’s right. I’m talking about spam from your friends. Normally, “friend spam” isn’t advertising spam. Friend spam generally takes two forms: humor (jokes, anecdotes, funny photos or cartoons, and the occasional video clip); and, the sometimes equally humorous equivalent of that old “snail mail” plague – chain mail.

You remember chain mail. You received a letter from a friend asking you to mail the letter to all of your friends, often asking you to send some money to the person who sent you the original letter. Some were humorous, some tugged at your heartstrings, some threatened you with dreadful circumstances if you broke the chain.

Today’s email chain letters seem more intent on informing me of the untold truths that I can’t discover through “the regular channels”. Here are a few of the fascinating things I’ve learned in the last year or so from email forwarded to me by friends and acquaintances.

There are rats in the glue on envelopes, so I can no longer lick them to seal them.

I can’t drink Coca Cola anymore because it can remove toilet stains, and sludge from spark plugs.

I can’t use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can’t go to department stores at the mall because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I can’t answer my phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will receive huge phone bills for calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Politicians can change the course of hurricanes.

God will only answer my prayers if I email them to at least seven of my friends.

There is a poor sick child in a hospital somewhere who is collecting every serial number on every $100 bill ever printed by the U.S. Mint.

And, most recently, “The Red Planet is about to be spectacular”. On August 27th, 2005, Mars will make its closest approach to the Earth in recorded history. Mars will look as large in the night sky as the full moon. NO ONE ALIVE WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN”.

Out of curiosity, I checked the NASA website, and, well, here’s the truth. Mars and the Earth will converge for a close encounter on October 30th, 2005, at 0319 Universal Time. They’ll be 69 million kilometers apart – not as close as the 56 million kilometer “close brush” we had in August of 2003. Plus, if Mars was indeed as large as the moon, our orbit would be altered (even more than a politician could manage), and we’d have some scary tides.

Here’s my point. Maybe we should do a little fact checking before forwarding the latest rumor and innuendo to our friends and family. You can help with this. Just send this article to ten of your friends in the next three days…

© 2005 Peter F. Zimowski