The following conversation was recently overheard at a designer coffee house. The two patrons were relaxing over a couple of double-half-decafs-with-twists-of-lime. The “uhs” have been edited out to leave enough space for the gist of the article.

“Hey, dude. Cool iPod you got there.”

“Hey, thanks, man. Just got it.”

“Awesome, dude. Did you see they’ve got the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album already on the iTunes Music Store? It rocks, dude.”

Blank stare.

“Oh, dude, I get it. You’re into the peer-to-peer thing. That’s cool. So, which playback mode do you use? The shuffle mode or play-through repeat?”

Another blank stare.

“Dude, look. Here, you set the playback mode with the power switch, right above the battery indicator light. Oh, dude. Wait. This is weird. Your iPod doesn’t have a battery indicator light. It’s freakin’ me out! Where’d you say you got this?”

Yes, it’s true. It’s somewhat amazing that it’s taken this long, but Apple has recently warned its resellers to be on the lookout for counterfeit iPods. The two models targeted thus far are the iPod nano and iPod shuffle. Here’s the telltale signs that reveal your new iPod as an “iFake”.

The fake nano is the same size as the real nano, and has something similar to the iPod’s signature click wheel. However, the click wheel on the fake nano has PLAY/PAUSE icons on the center button, instead of at the six o’clock position on the click wheel itself. The fake nano’s screen is also square and further from the nano’s edge than the more rectangular real nano screen.

The fake nano also has a “non-standard” headphone jack located on the lower right and has no dock connector. Instead it has a mini-USB plug similar to the plug on a digital camera. Turn on the fake nano, and the square screen reveals a completely different operating system. So, there’s no way to get music from iTunes (from either a Mac or a PC) onto the fake nano.

The counterfeit iPod shuffle comes in the same Granny Smith apple green box as the real shuffle, but has the words “Digital Music Player” on the box top. The counterfeit shuffle also lacks the repeat setting on the three-position power switch and has no battery light or status button. Both models of “lie-Pods” have what appear to be legitimate Apple serial numbers etched on them as well. So, buyer beware.

As a public service, I’d like to offer some other ways to tell if the music player you’re thinking of buying is definitely NOT a genuine iPod.

If the arrow on the PLAY button icon is facing backward, or left. No kidding, I actually saw one of these advertised on line.

If comes in two enticing colors: aquamarine and brown.

If you found it in a shop where the proprietor offered you a Rolex for $30, a Coach handbag for $40, or “Pensonic” TVs, “Kenwoot” speakers, or “Sany” DVD players.

If the free “iToons” software you installed tries to steal your bank information.

If, to do a hard reset, you need to turn it upside down and shake it vigorously.

If the included USB2 cable is actually a piece of string and a paperclip.

If the wooden body of the iPod is poorly carved.

If you actually found one the week before Christmas.

And, finally, if it has a name like “Zen”, “iRiver”, or “Napster”, or has a “Plays for Sure” logo on the box, steer clear. These players are not counterfeit, they just require you to use Windows and its Media Player.

And that, of course, should be a crime.

© 2006 Peter F. Zimowski