OK. I admit it. I have good friends who run Windows. Sometimes they even let me come into their homes. When I do, the conversation inevitably gets around to computers, and, being a good guest, I never turn down an offer to see their setup. Actually, as I don’t own a PC (other than the Virtual PC systems on my Mac), I use these opportunities to see how the other half (alright, how the other 95%) lives. I ask questions, ooh and ahh at the appropriate times, and commiserate with their lamentations. I learn a lot from these visits. But, there’s always time for a little fun during my serious journalistic research. Here’s a list of some fun things to do and say when visiting your PC friends.

1. Approach their computer running Windows XP and say, “Oh, cool, I didn’t know Teletubbies was on!”

2. When they turn on their computer, pretend to no longer be able to hear what they’re saying to you.

3. Approach their laptop and say, “That’s an awful small desktop you have there”. Then pick it up, feigning a back injury and urging them to “call my lawyer”.

4. When they invite you to try out the computer, keep clicking the right mouse button instead of the left, and complain that nothing is happening.

5. Keep shaking the mouse, and when you hear the little ball rolling around inside, keep saying “I think there’s something loose inside this thing”.

6. Slyly hit Alt-F4 when they aren’t looking and then claim “hey, it just quit on me”.

7. Better yet, hit the Power button.

8. Point at the drive under their CD drive, and ask them, “what’s this?” When they respond with “that’s my floppy drive”, ask, “what’s a floppy?”

9. Ask them, “Hey, can you open the Add/Remove Viruses Control Panel for a second?”

10. Whenever you send them an email, fill in the subject line with “Wicked Screensaver”, then complain that they never return your emails.

Continuing, with tongue in cheek, here’s some Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Calling Tech Support.

1. “Duuuude! Bummer!”

2. “We can fix this, but we’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery”.

3. “Hold on a second – Mom! Tommy’s hitting me!”

4. “So – what are you wearing?”

Ok, so it’s been a slow news week.

© 2003 Peter F. Zimowski