In the close-to-a-year I’ve been writing articles and this column, I’ve thrown around a lot of techno-speak. Major dictionaries have started to recognize, include, and define some of the computer world’s lexicon. In keeping with good writing conventions, I think it’s time to put forth my glossary of some of the terms that have appeared on these pages. You won’t find these in Webster’s, that’s for sure.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”) – acronym for Graphical User Interface. Originated and refined to a fine art on the Macintosh. When referring to Windows, acronym really stands for “Grossly Ugly Interference”.

Wallpaper – actually a misnomer in Windows, these are images placed in the background of computer desktops. The closest these images get to a wall is when a Windows user throws their computer at one in a fit of frustration. Properly referred to as Desktop Images in the Mac OS. Generally set to show outdoor scenery, babies, bimbos, cats – almost as distracting to the user as the Windows GUI.

Screen Saver – originally developed to prevent “burn-in” on CRT computer displays. Now used to hypnotize cats. Can be programmed to show outdoor scenery, babies, bimbos and pets. Moving Wallpaper.

Two-Button Mouse - Stuart Little in a single-breasted jacket. Common on Windows computers, argument made that second button frees up your other hand - to do WHAT? Case made.

Hard Drive - Sadly, a trip to the nearest Apple Store. C’mon, Apple, how’s about a store in the Maine Mall? Maybe next to Victoria’s Secret?

Floppy Drive - Any dirt road in Maine after a couple day’s rain.

Floppy Disk - Used on Windows computers to store up to one digital image. Will puzzle archaeologists in 2303.

Zip Disk – what’s left on a Windows computer when any of the hundreds of worms, viruses, and bugs get through with it. Zip. Nada. Nothing.

Keyboard – A depository for crumbs, cat hair (there’s that cat again), dried soda and coffee; a place for single-button-mouse Mac users to place their other hand.

PowerPoint – sleep aid similar to Ambien (common side-effects include drowsiness, distraction, nausea, and bleeding gums).

Spyware, adware, pop-up porn windows. Hey, I’m a Mac user. I’ve read about them, seen them in action on friend’s PCs, but never had one on my Mac. Guess you can spend extra money on programs to stop them.

© 2003 Peter F. Zimowski